Sunday, April 19, 2009

How come the movie Frogs! has nothing to do with Frogs?...

Sorry if it's been a while since I've posted, BUT I FINALLY FOUND A BAD MOVIE! Okay, this one's probably about 20 years old or so, but man, it stands out of all the other horrific movies made in the 80's! It's called Frogs, and I couldn't stand it, plain and simple.
Okay, so it's about a bunch of people who go to this island-type place for a vacation or something, i kinda forgot. So, the owner of the property sprayed his land with some pesticide that either mutated or enraged the "local wildlife" didn't specify, but i think in the long run no one cares anyway XD.
Now, there are a few very very stupid things i must point out. It followed the same plot of EVERY SINGLE SERIAL-KILLER movie i've seen. All the good people either survive or make it to the end, while all the "naughties" perish in some disgusting ways. In this one, that's exactly what happened. The couples that crossed the chastity gap were murdered, and the good people ran away. Now, this isn't the problem. Not at all....It's how they died that sort of bugged me.
The way it went is like this: whenever somebody was about to die, you would see a symbolic frog...Yes, a frog would be sitting ominously near them and you know they're gonna die. I'm not certain whether or not this is a metaphor, frankly i don't care, but i should get to the juicy part. They were always killed by some sort of woodland creature or reptile...Because that's not weird at all. One guy gets mobbed by chipmunks, another gets eaten by snakes. At one point i think someone gets choked by a frog in their mouth, i couldn't tell because it was such a bad quality movie. It's also the way these people acted and the filming was made that gave you the impression "WOW, these people are complete incompetent morons!" You'd see some guy crawling after something bit his leg and the he gets eaten slowly. You see someone running, get tripped by like a twig, and eaten. Everybody looked like a complete idiot. And to show their surprise, they'd go "Aaaaaaah!" and the camera would zoom in on their face.
The funny thing about the entire movie is that the frogs never really killed anyone. They were the "symbolic" beings that protected nature from the destruction of a habitat that has given them life for hundreds of years. It symbolizes their resistance to foreign powers, their epic struggle for survival. It symbolizes the Al Gore-George Bush election in some discrete way, even though it hasn't happened yet....They command their forces of nature to destroy the humans, just as Al Gore is showing us that Global Warming will disintegrate us all....OR MAYBE IT'S JUST A BAD MOVIE! Please, don't waste 2 hours of your time.
(Another weird thing is, the front cover shows a giant frog with a hand sticking out of its mouth...perhaps that is also symbolic to the movie? O.o

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Was JarHead made BY a JarHead?

It's been a few days since I've seen a really awful movie, but i found one! Well, it was a nice quiet evening and i felt like watching some intense war-action movie, so i got JarHead. It was about US marines in Kuwait during Desert Storm. It seemed pretty interesting at first, because i like guns and violence, but then its true colors started to show.
The first thing i must say about this movie was that it was IMMENSELY boring. During the entire movie, there might have been like 10 shots fired in all the action scenes. The director was obviously trying to make it some epic saga movie that showed a true "warrior's" life. For 2 and 1/2 hours, i watched soldiers patrolling around, cleaning bathrooms, and some other suggestive activities. It seemed almost to be a documentary....and i hate documentaries....I had originally expected the movie to be some US army propaganda, but it was not....which was the bad thing because government-payed movies are always better. The acting was mediocre, but there are many parts that go too fast to understand. At one moment this guy is cleaning his gun with a comrade, then the next thing you know he's about to shoot him.
The storyline was also trash. I mean, there really wasn't one. It was just him and his buddies walking around the middle east like headless chickens. Plus, you could tell most of the scenes were drawn. I don't know if this movie had some hidden semi-metaphorical message that i have yet to decipher, if it's just a movie for old war veterans, or if it's just bad. Why would you make a non-peace promoting war movie that has no violence in it? That is just a recipe for phailure. Plus, i couldn't stand the main character. I forget what actor played him, but man was he UGLY! And his stupid, monotonous voice really pissed me off.
So, i've ruled out it's not a documentary, it's not an anti-war movie (maybe a bit), and it's obviously not what is it?

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Indiana Jones+Alien=Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull...?

I originally knew that this would be an EPIC PHAIL of a movie. Half the critics said it was good, half said it was bad...i dunno what was wrong with THAT half. Well, anyways, I wanted to see it since i've seen all of the other ones (which are awesome, by the way). I didn't expect it to be as bad as I had predicted, but man was i WRONG.
Okay, let's start off on acting. Well, the people were pretty good actors, not very cheap. Harrison Ford did well, but it wasn't the actors that made the acting part so lame. It was the lines. Almost everything Indy said was a variation of "I gotcha! BAM!" It worked a bit in the old ones, carefully spread out. But here, that was just it. Ford didn't even get to say any of his cool and funny lines like in the original ones. So, i'm sorry, it's not his fault. Now, let's move on to the little kid who was Indy's "son". Shia Labeouf. He was the most annoying little twirp, and i COULD NOT STAND HIM. The little kid and even more childish directors made the guy look all "cool" wearing his leather jacket and riding his awesome motorcycle, always smoothing his greasy hair. I don't know what the directors were trying to accomplish making this guy look uber-cool or something. After him, there was Indy's girlfriend that appeared later in the movie, a vain attempt at making it seem like Indy had a love life. WELL HE DOESN'T. Over the past decades, he had an image as lone ranger and now these morons think they can make him some groveling dog at the feet of one VERY UGLY WOMAN (Karen Allen). Well, those were the main actors. Not all of them goo, but mainly rotted by the poorly made lines.
Okay, on to the storyline. This was made the movie not only bad, but also horrifying to watch. Why, god, why did they have to put aliens in it? Everything led to these "ancient" aztec ruins where the power of the skull was to be that is what i call an awful storyline. I'm pretty sure it was meant to symbolize unity for man and a deep inner longing to be with each other, end the wars and suffering. It was to see how man depends on a higher force for survival, a God....or maybe it was justly composed plot. THE MYSTERY CONTINUES! I hated how it relied heavily on magic and mysticism, i mean, the other ones were okay because they were more practical, but this one just pushed it over the edge. Speaking impracticality....
I'll explain how IMPRACTICAL the movie was. There were many things that obviously couldn't happen in real life, mainly the fight scenes. In most of the other old films, they were pretty good and seemed possible. In this one, it was ust impossible to recreate in reality what was happening. Make it seem plausible... One thing that really stood out to me was the atom bomb part. I thought the idea was kinda cool, you know, like "you're dead" type thing. It would have been really funny if it was the bad guys finding them selves in a plastic city. However, i wondered, how was Indy gonna get out of this? Let's hide in the -++LeadLined++- fridge! So, of course, the bomb blasts him at 1000mph into the air then falls with a hard-hit landing from like 10,000 feet. He walks without a broken bone out of the fridge....that's not weird at all. Another thing is, i really noticed how they demonized the Russians...They made them seem like evil, incompetent communist-loving villains. You know movie standards are low when Indiana Jones is being exploited for propaganda.
Okay, well, if you like the old Indy films, watch them, because this one will disappoint you.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Dead Men Walking...Why don't you just say The Walking Dead?

Okay, well I pretty much just finished watching a movie called Dead Men Walking. As you can guess, it is a zombie movie. One of the worst I've ever seen.
Now, don't get me wrong, i ADORE zombie movies. i love brain-blasting action. However, this zombie movie was different. it stood a bad way. It's about some guy who is infected with a zombie virus gets sent to jail. why? because he killed a bunch of zombies and the police thought he made a massacre, while the guy was trying to save his family from zombies. the thing i found stupid about that is he did not make any sort of explanation up. nothing. He just shrugs and "goes off to jail like a good citizen".
Anyways, he gets the entire prison infected. So, coincidentally, this good-looking guy and this good-looking girl are also stuck in the prison, i think they were scientists. While i was watching this movie from the beginning, it seemed good. i could tell they were building up suspense for the action-packed zombie killing spree. I mean, it was a prison with guards...
Turns out i was horribly mistaken. After the zombie action starts there's a bit of "boom-boom" then for the next hour or so it's just gore. zombies eating the guards, tearing off limbs and stuff. these people must have spent like $5000 on rolls of sausages for the ketchup-stuffed intestines. IT WAS DISGUSTING. Hardly a shot was fired. And when there was gun action, you might see one zombie die then you get to watch 10 guards get eaten. As an added bonus, you get to see some other guy kill himself because he was infected. One part that really stood out was when some guy got incapacitated and couldn't walk. He sat on the ground with his gun and fired as a horde of zombies came after him. When they were about 10 ft. away, he tried to kill himself. no bullets. An obvious and quite predictable twist. The thing i found really stupid was why did the guy just not kill himself in the first place? I mean, there's no way he was going to kill all of those zombies with a handgun while crippled. What was he trying to accomplish? more importantly, was it just a futile plot by the creator of the movie to set up a "Oh, you're screwed" scene?
Other than the improbable acts of the characters in the movie, the entire storyline was a disaster as well. At first, it was some "mysterious-scientific" quest to figure out what kind of disease these guys are suffering from. In the first 10 minutes, i thought it was engaging and watched, hoping to see some kind of sick twist about the virus. Then, the action starts and i realize that plot is going nowhere. so for the next 2 hours it's watching those losers try to escape, then some guards being eaten, then the losers, then guards, then the losers...... Also, i found it strange that the losers only had a handgun and some blunt weapon whilst the guards had shotguns and rifles. yet the guards were eaten and the losers escaped unharmed. Can't people make realistic movies these days?
I forgot to tell you, there IS a twist at the end. IT'S NOT ONLY PREDICTABLE, IT'S ALSO REALLY STUPID! AS AN ADDED BONUS! The girl runs out of the building. The police were informed about the "riot" in the jail and surrounded the building. The girls runs out and smiles. She waves at a sniper, "don't shoot". He shoots. She dies.
A bad ending to an even badder movie....This is not something a person with a weak stomach should watch, but if you have a weak mind you should do fine.

Disaster Movie WAS A DISASTER

Yes, well i recently watched Disaster Movie. It seems to be a part of a long chain of movies,such as "Epic Movie", "Scary Movie", and others with similar titles. The Scary Movies were good, but many of the other ones were just complete failures. This mean pretty much any of those franchise movies other than the Scary Movies was a disaster.
Well, back to the point. i was watching Disaster Movie, and i admit it had some laughs. But after a while it jus got to be plain stupid. You cannot make a good movie when the jokes come out of random, they have to go in-sync with the storyline and be related. I remember one part the guys went into a building and for some stupid reason the women from Sex and the City appeared. After a fight, it just kind of ended. COMPLETELY RANDOM. Most of these out of place jokes usually aren't funny just because of their placement.
It's not just the jokes that are sort of lame, it's the entire storyline. everything goes to fast and people nd ideas pop out of nowhere. One second you get to like this character, then he/she dies. Everybody just kept going somewhere and it was very difficult to follow. Also, the storyline was also very much simple and in my opinion a third grader could have come up with a better one. "Save the world from disaster" it was.
Ther was another thing that really ticked me off. Whenever a charactr did soemthing that changed his/her appearance (this includes fluid, tearing off of shirts, etc..) right in the next scene they're back to normal. Like nothing happened. One guy is covered in blood in one moment, the next he's fine and his hair is groomed. You'd really need the atention span of a braindead individual to find this stimulating at all. Other than that, it was completely vulgar. The end song all the characters sang about how they were f***ing each other. i mean, really, this seems like the kind of joke movie you'd play at some college party.
If you want a completely unrealistic, boring, random, semi-funny movie, this is IT.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Who here has seen Australia?

Okay, like yesterday I watched the movie Australia. Let me tell you, it is something I do not wanna watch again.
It was over 2 hours of PURE lame acting. The actors had such cheesy expressions and syrupy lines. It seemed like the kind of "romance-action" film that would appeal to an 11 year old. I love how t epitomizd the "strong man" (who was hideous and oiled....ew...) andt he "feminine" woman (who was a stick, I swear they stuffed her clothes). Their acting was so bad and predictable that I had more fun guessing at what point they were going to have their next "epic" kiss. The entire reason i sat around for 2 hours was to watch the action sequence. And guess what? BOOM BOOM BAM! in 5 seconds it's over.
It was not just the acting that was hideous, but the entire storyline. I mean, there's a scene with this kid who stops an entire stampede with his "aboriginal" magic. Then there's some old guy in a diaper dancing around who i THINK is supposed to be metaphorical in some way, but i'm not sure. Other than those stupid parts, there was also the fact that nobody could eer accomplish what they did. There's like 4 of them and they herd a whole ton of cattle across Australia.
The little kid in the movie who was a "halfie" really annoyed me. He had to exagerate every other word to make it seem like he was some naive kid and the entire plot is supposed to be shrouded around him and his destiny.
All in all, it was an awful movie and I'd reccomend it if you have 2 hours to kill.

Putyour worst movies here!

Okay, this is a blog I created specifically for the purpose of people putting the worst movies they've ever seen here. It can be any movie, no limitaions. Foreign, new, old. Just add it and share why you think it's a bad movie and we'll discuss.
Thank you =)